but know i won't starve myself as badly this time.
last time my hair fell out, but that was starvation combined with extreme depression.

this time i can stay on an even keel, and stay above 700 calories a day no matter what.

this time exercise will be my biggest weapon.

and those hot pink leopard pants will be worn before spring. maybe by new year's. hmmm.

since i'm not a member. but still...

i empathize completely... when you have lousy self esteem, anything that makes you think about yourself is somehow painful.
if they are negative, well we deserve it.
if they are neutral, well they're just being kind, but we know better.
if they are positive... ACK! cannot handle it! go away!

seriously, it's so illogical!

stupid stupid scales were nearly up to 180 again a few weeks ago. glargh.

two days ago, 178.2
this morning, 174.6

must flatten stomach as much as humanly possible before saturday night's gig.
must get down to 165 before christmas.

i was on such a great roll, then i took a break and totally lost it.
having two super low calories days a week, exercising, apples for breakfast,
and avoiding wheat more than once a week. these things will keep me from gaining.

i hope.

http://commonsensehealth.com/Diet-and-Nutrition/List_of_High_Fiber_Foods.shtml


Apples, pears, avocado, carrots, black beans are all pretty good.


http://ca.lifestyle.yahoo.com/food-entertaining/articles/healthy-choices/heartandstroke/heart-healthy_eating-top_10_high-fibre_foods_list

 i guess bouncing around during the whole concert burned a few calories, because i dropped another pound, despite eating two thirds of a huge burrito. and drinking a beer, which i'd sworn off since that incident at the drummer's apartment. good grief.

having veggie sushi for lunch is great, but i need some more filling, low cal lunches. hmmmm. maybe soup from the juice place. might be loaded with calories though. damn. i'm going to have to make time to make lunches again. time is always trying to kill me. 

down to 172.6   am on way. who can lose 10 pounds fast through the mighty force of her delicious brain? me. 

 
this skirt is magical. add some heels, even low chunky ones, and i suddenly have a marilyn monroe walk. 

shazam. 

 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1210829/How-Femme-Fatale.html

friday, partly due to monthly whatnot, i was 178.4

yesterday i was 173.6

by october 8th i will be back down to 165. 

i can do this. 2.5 pounds a week is easy if i concentrate and stay focussed.

- my hair is still falling out. the bald patch is getting bigger
- i'm gaining weight again and do not have the energy to exercise
- fucking hit me over the head with a shovel and wake me in a year when this is over

fuck i want to puke or die or sleep for a year fuck i cannot stand this motherfucking shit
i hate myself so much it sucks all of the oxygen out of the room

 172.2
getting there.
167ish = human being
160 = the cool clothes come back out.

only 750 calories yesterday. nice.
this weekend will be a whirlwind of eating on the run,
so i'll need to be prepared for that.

from 177.6 to 174.4 in 24 hours. nice. 

spent $4.80 on a wee tub of mango slices & a wee tub of strawberries. 
they taste wonderful, but geez.
i'd better find a cheaper fruit market on the way to work. 
diet for this week:  grazing on fresh fruit all day then a sensible dinner.

 over the past four months i've had to relax for health reasons... and that means food & wine. 
have gone from 164 to 177. 
but at least 3 pounds of that is monthly water, so i'm hoping to get back down to 170 pretty quickly. 

try, try again...

 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1176973/Too-fat-fashion-How-Tanya-Gold-size-sixteen-shunned-designer-brands.html

http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4366468

i nearly posted "thank you assholes for helping me race along the highway to an eating disorder"

but i knew they would reply with "you sound fat" etc. and i cannot deal with that. 

i gained a few pounds back. pretty pissed off.  this week i need to be hardcore and drop at least 3. 
but photos of me from saturday night... i looked... a normal size. i wasn't the biggest girl there. sweet.

- saturday at least 7 people told me how great / slim i looked. 
- yay!
- ate & drank ALL weekend long, gained 3 pounds. 
- bugger. 

- will even out in a week
- whatever. 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/77367764@N00/sets/72157602199008819/show/

click Show Info for height/weight stats, and what BMI category they're in.

i am eating four chicken fingers with BBQ sauce.
i think i'm developing a soup addiction - those tetra pack boxes are only around 280 calories for 500 ml.
was too windy & cold to jog and i was actually disappointed about that.
a few strange men have smiled at me in the past few days.
i sort of forgot that women are invisible when they're chunky.
i wonder at what point of skinniness do they become invisible again?
friends think i've lost 30 to 50 pounds. i've lost 26. i don't know whether to be amused or offended. or just surprised at how much weight baggy clothing apparently added.

- finally wore my size 9 "goal pants"
- added high heels
- looked slimmer & taller
- did not feel like the fattest person in the room, for the first time in forever
- my performance went really well and part of it was feeling confident!
- this morning am at lowest weight in a LONG time - 163.8
- only 4 pounds away from "normal" BMI
- good weather coming, which means i can jog more & drop more weight fast

the only negative thing this week is that my boobs have shrunk. and i swear this has happened in the past 72 hours.
it's like the top half of them have deflated, and i don't have much to spare to begin with.
oh bugger. i really need to go get sized for a magic push up bra.  

- lowest weight in many years - 165.8
- under 300 calories yesterday
- three walks yesterday
- jogged / walked this morning
- size 9 pants nearly fit, can likely wear on monday
- traced my midsection on a wall so that i can stand back and see that i'm not as huge as i think i am
- actually feel almost "normal"

 i eat one tiny yogurt for breakfast, have a coffee for lunch, and pig out at a buffet for dinner and gain .6 pounds. 

one meal and i gain weight? screw this. i'm avoiding restaurants for a good long while. 

i wore a cute little black skirt & jacket today, and several people complimented me. 
i cannot take compliments. it freaks me out. 
they're all "you look so good!" and i'm trying to just say "thank you" instead of "um, i'm only halfway there" and "dude, can you not see that i'm still immensely LARGE and not anywhere near slim?"

there is a gal at work who is very slim, and i'm only 17 pounds away from her weight. 
mind you, she's two inches taller. so... relatively, i'm around 25-28 pounds from her size. 

but i feel Gigantic next to her.